Pain. Seemingly never-ending pain. Burning, searing pain.
While I've dealt with health issues for most of my 63 yrs on this earth, I have never dealt with pain like this. When I came out of the coma in 1979 I was told I had nerve damage in parts of my body. Okay I thought, I can live with that. Over the years I began to learn what nerve damage can mean. Pain.
Last year I began having too-frequent bouts of pain in my feet and lower legs. It would come and then leave and again I thought, I can live with that.
Earlier this year the pain came back and has persisted for 3 months. I was diagnosed with neuropathy in early April and given a new medication that was supposed to help. It did for about 3 days. The pain worsened, and swelling in my right foot and lower leg came with it.
I left with my Mom on May 18 to make the trip that would end with us planning and then attending her brother's funeral. We were gone for 8 days and I dealt with pain each hour of each day we were gone. I had not told my Mom beforehand what I was experiencing because, as the Mom of 7 children and ump-teen grandkids and great-grandkids, I didn't want to add one more thing to her plate. So I handled it the best I could until we got home. Then I began to come apart at the seams of this fragile thing we call Life.
We got home late Wed., May 26. I was in a doctor's office the morning of Friday, May 28 to have exrays done of my foot as I thought I had possibly broken a bone. I hadn't.
On Tuesday, June 1, I began dealing with vertigo & throwing up. My husband took me to ER where I was given medications and sent home. The seams unraveled even more.
On Wednesday, June 2, I had no appetite and was experiencing severe itching and had bruising similar to what I had in Dec. when I was hospitalized. I did some reading about the neuropathy medication and my platelet medication and began to realize I was undoubtedly having a bad reaction to either one or both of these medications. I stopped taking them the night of June 2 because nothing would stay down.
As of this writing, I still don't have an appetite. I eat because I have to, not because I want to. Nothing sounds good to me. Did you know that losing your apppetite is really difficult to handle? We have to eat to live, but when you have no desire for food, you must make yourself eat and that's difficult. At least it has been for me. And since my husband does the majority of the cooking, it's difficult for him too. What do I want to eat? What do I think I'd like to have for dinner? he asks. Whatever you want to fix is my answer.
After extensive emails to a friend who has worked for dr's, (friends are easier to reach than nurses and doctors) I realized I must take pain medication on a regular basis because not doing so when you're in extreme pain only adds stress to an already painful condition and can make said medication less effective. Okay. So yesterday, rather than biting the bullet and getting thru the day without anything, I took lower doses of the prescribed pain medication. I will continue to do so until this issue is resolved.
What am I learning from this? That I am a fragile human being who is totally dependent on the God who created the universe for my next breath. That I cannot fix some things in myself nor in others. That I need to humbly approach His throne and beg for mercy. That it is His grace alone that sustains me, in the dark places of my soul, it is He who sustains and keeps me. That I am not super-anything. That I will one day lie down and take my last breath and things will be left undone when I do.
You see, I am a person who wants things to be in order and organized. I want to plan my day and give space for "whatever God wills" on that calendar, but I have never wanted His will to involve this kind of pain. Do I trust Him enough to know He's with me in it? Do I trust Him to keep me when words fail me? Am I really His child? These are all questions that have been going through my mind these last two weeks.
Thankfully I can say, yes I am His. I can trust Him, even though He may slay me, I trust Him.
I have three appointments on Monday, June 14:
#1. My hemotologist at 9 am
#2. The neurosurgeon at 11:30 am
#3. A phlebotomy must be done at 2pm
Thankfully they're all at the main hospital downtown. Thankfully my husband can drive me and stay with me. Thankfully we have insurance to pay for all this.
Hopefully, prayerfully, my doctors will have answers and solutions can be worked out so that the pain will go away and prayerfully, stay away. I feel so old. So weary. So ready to lie down and let it all go. Maybe that's where I've needed to be and needed to do and just didn't know it until this happened. I need to lie down and rest and let all the other stuff go. If not forever, then at least for awhile.
I sincerely hope and pray you are all well ... mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually well. For I am learning that when one area is off-balance it affects all the others and if we persist in plodding along without treating the one issue, our seams will fully unravel and we'll have to deal with much more than we expected.
May our Lord bless and keep you. May your needs be met in Him. Thank you for listening and reading.