Monday

Another day this side of heaven.

Clyde took me for bloodwork this morning, the doctor ordered an oncology profile along with my usual CBC. That made me stop and give some serious thought to what's happening in this body of mine. Please, for those of you who know my Mom, please don't say anything. She has enough to deal with. Should something come from this additional bloodwork, then I'll talk with her.

I realize, we all do, that this life will end one day but with all I'm dealing with it makes me wonder if my time is closer than I might think. It could be, only God knows. While I wouldn't want to leave those I love, I am beginning to want my desire to be in God's will greater than staying here. Does that make sense?

Yesterday was a good day ... I was able to rest and dealt with pain on a good basis if that makes sense. Today is different ... more pain but dealing with it is easier. My appetite is improving ... thank You Lord and thank you all for praying for these answers to prayer. For some relief. For words of encouragement from folks who care and from those who deal with neuropathy also.

I'm learning to let go ... to open my clinched little hands and let go ... of all that can hinder and harm my walk with Christ. My fears, insecurities, doubts, hurts, and even the pain .... let it go and let the Lord truly be Lord of my life. I've said that He is ... believed that He is, but this episode of daily pain has shown me that to a large extent it's been words, not relationship. I've tried to be the good Christian and haven't wanted anyone to see the real me...the one God sees and loves in spite of me. I wanted to look good ... to have people think well of me and those aren't inherently wrong. Our reason for wanting them can be.

I'm learning that I want people to see Christ in me and that perhaps this pain is part of the peeling-off process to get there. It hurts like heck, and it burns like fire, but if this will make me more like our Lord, so be it. I've finally come to that place ... so be it.

Earlier today I was remembering when I was in the coma in 1979. God graciously brought me from darkness to light way back then. Gave me back my life when doctors said it was over, and then gave me new life in Christ. Today I saw that He has taken me from light into the darkness of pain so that He can continue the work He began in me. So be it Lord. So be it. Amen and amen. Your will be done.

I thank you all ... from the bottom of this sin-soaked heart, I thank you for caring for me ... for praying ... for your words of encouragement and hope. You cannot know what they have meant and what they mean to me when I read them.

May our Lord richly bless you and may all your needs be met in Him. I shall, Lord willing, write more later.

My love to you all.