Wednesday

Not doing too well today ... much pain from headache. I talked with neurologist earlier and she said Lyrica can cause headaches and told me to stop taking it.

Foot pain is worse also this week. Just when you begin to think things are easing up, something else comes along. Why? I don't know. Probably never will know this side of heaven.

Hope you are all well. My love to you all. I'm going to lie down for awhile.

Tuesday afternoon

Hi all,

Just to let you know I'm still around. Had a good week-end then yesterday and today I'm dealing with a bit more pain.

Anyone out there know if Lyrica causes headaches? How about Vicodin? Does that cause them? Not sure what's going on, just that I'm having headaches daily and I'm not a headache person. I have a call in to the neurologist and will talk with her about it when she calls. The headaches didn't start until after I began Lyrica.

Hope this finds you all well and enjoying the weather. I'm going to go lie down for a while.

Thank you again for praying for me.

Friday

Another day with less pain ... how grateful I am. My Fred left this morning for Ohio. He will spend 3 days visiting with his brother and I'm grateful that I'm well enough that he could go. He so needs this time away.

I've enjoyed this day ... I sat on our front porch for awhile this evening, doing some reading and just resting in the beauty of the day. When you're in pain, it distorts everything and it was difficult to see beauty in anything, or so it seemed. I did some laundry and went to my son's home later to celebrate his youngest daughter's birthday. Our 'baby' granddaughter is 9 yrs old today. Where has time gone?

I read earlier that Joni Eareckson Tada has breast cancer and will have surgery this Monday, June 28. To read more about this, go to her web site: www.joniandfriends.org. She is an amazing woman and her health issues make mine pale in comparison. She gives hope and inspiration to everyone. May this cancer be contained and her recovery swift.

I am finding myself asking God how does He want me to pray. Does that sound childish? Shouldn't I, after all these years, know how to pray? You might think so, but going through this episode has changed my outlook on many things. Prayer being one of them. A once-for-all prayer just doesn't get it. I need to bring specific people / needs / situations before Him and then wait until He allows me to see what is the best way to pray, and then ... pray! It's no longer a "God please bless ...." It's God, what is it You're wishing to do in the life of this person? How do I help in prayer? Show me Lord. I want my prayers to mean something for eternity and that will take some work.

I shall go for now and get ready for bed. Thank you so much for being with me through this experience. Thank you so much for praying for me and sharing words of encouragement. They mean much to me.

Blessings to you all. I love you.

Thursday

Another day with less pain ... thank You Father! I saw lung dr and after testing learned my oxygen levels are down (I kinda knew that), plus I have a lung infection and will begin a 10-day course of antibiotics tomorrow. It was too late in the day to start it today. With other med's I'm taking I have to balance all of them out and an antibiotic will work best at lunch time.

My poor husband just shook his head when I came out of the doctor's office and told him what was going on. Since Christmas Day it's been one thing after another with me. I admire his patience and I am grateful he loves me. He leaves tomorrow for a 3-day visit with his brother in Ohio. He needs this time away and I'm grateful I feel well enough for him to go. Our son & his family live just down the street from us so should I need anything they are close. I want him to get away and hopefully not overly think about me or his Mom while he's gone.

Would you please pray for man named Greg? He's late 40's in age and it was learned today that he has renal cell carcinoma cells in his lungs. He had kidney cancer last year and it was thought treatment had cleared it out, but sadly it didn't. There is nothing they can do as chemotherapy nor radiation can help this type of cancer. He is a Christian but he and his family are taking this very hard. His parents attend our church and I cannot imagine what they are going through. The same for his wife and children.

Thank you dear ones, for being with me thru my health issues. I deeply appreciate it. I am going to bed now.

May our Lord bless each of you and may all your needs be met in Him.

I love you all.

Wednesday

Praise be to our God, maker of heaven and earth! He alone is worthy of our praise!

I am so thankful to let you know that this has been a day of lessened pain. The combination of Lyrica & lowered doses of pain medication seem to be working in my favor. Praise be to God!!! The pain isn't completely gone, but it's better ... I was able to once again go downstairs & do a load of laundry ... giving thanks all the while ... I once again helped clean the kitchen after dinner ... thanking God for a husband who cooks and for the ability and the energy and the desire to WANT to help. I was actually hungry and my Fred noticed and commented on it.

Pat has shared with me about her husband's dealing with neuropathy and let me know that he too takes Lyrica. That was a blessing to know as I am overly cautious about new medications.

What I am asking God is to not let me forget what I'm learning through this time of pain.

What am I learning? That He is trustworthy beyond our ability to understand. That He is patient beyond comprehension. That He desires only our good and sometimes that involves walking through dark, hard, fiery places. That He truly IS the Potter and I am the clay ... He can do with me as He pleases and I dare not whisper a complaint. That His children are His forever ... nothing will take us from His hand. That His people are a blessing and we are here to serve and encourage and strengthen one another ... never tear down or hurt or cause harm of any sort. That I am loved.

This walk of ours isn't an easy one, but it is one that's worth the walk. When we all reach Home we will have so many stories to share won't we? Once Home, I will meet some of you for the first time (other than blogs & facebook that is). I will renew friendships with saints who have already reached Home. (Jean Vallis comes to mind...so does Mary Allen & Virginia Mobley). I will see my Dad and my sister Janice. Oh we have so much to look forward to!

I shall go for now & get ready for bed. I'm still resting a lot and going to bed early.

Thank you dear ones ... thank you for praying for me ... for thinking of me .. for remembering me during your days. I love you all!

Monday

Another day this side of heaven.

Clyde took me for bloodwork this morning, the doctor ordered an oncology profile along with my usual CBC. That made me stop and give some serious thought to what's happening in this body of mine. Please, for those of you who know my Mom, please don't say anything. She has enough to deal with. Should something come from this additional bloodwork, then I'll talk with her.

I realize, we all do, that this life will end one day but with all I'm dealing with it makes me wonder if my time is closer than I might think. It could be, only God knows. While I wouldn't want to leave those I love, I am beginning to want my desire to be in God's will greater than staying here. Does that make sense?

Yesterday was a good day ... I was able to rest and dealt with pain on a good basis if that makes sense. Today is different ... more pain but dealing with it is easier. My appetite is improving ... thank You Lord and thank you all for praying for these answers to prayer. For some relief. For words of encouragement from folks who care and from those who deal with neuropathy also.

I'm learning to let go ... to open my clinched little hands and let go ... of all that can hinder and harm my walk with Christ. My fears, insecurities, doubts, hurts, and even the pain .... let it go and let the Lord truly be Lord of my life. I've said that He is ... believed that He is, but this episode of daily pain has shown me that to a large extent it's been words, not relationship. I've tried to be the good Christian and haven't wanted anyone to see the real me...the one God sees and loves in spite of me. I wanted to look good ... to have people think well of me and those aren't inherently wrong. Our reason for wanting them can be.

I'm learning that I want people to see Christ in me and that perhaps this pain is part of the peeling-off process to get there. It hurts like heck, and it burns like fire, but if this will make me more like our Lord, so be it. I've finally come to that place ... so be it.

Earlier today I was remembering when I was in the coma in 1979. God graciously brought me from darkness to light way back then. Gave me back my life when doctors said it was over, and then gave me new life in Christ. Today I saw that He has taken me from light into the darkness of pain so that He can continue the work He began in me. So be it Lord. So be it. Amen and amen. Your will be done.

I thank you all ... from the bottom of this sin-soaked heart, I thank you for caring for me ... for praying ... for your words of encouragement and hope. You cannot know what they have meant and what they mean to me when I read them.

May our Lord richly bless you and may all your needs be met in Him. I shall, Lord willing, write more later.

My love to you all.

Saturday night

J. C. Ryle:

“There is nothing which shows our ignorance so much as our impatience under trouble. We forget that every cross is a message from God, and intended to do us good in the end. Trials are intended to make us think—to wean us from the world—to send us to the Bible—to drive us to our knees.” “Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD” (Deuteronomy 8:3).

Oh, how I needed to read this~ may it bless you as well.

Feeling a tad bit better this evening, praise the name of our good Lord!

Saturday

Yesterday was a really bad day pain-wise. I keep asking myself, how do people live with this? When does relief come? What if it doesn't come?

My thoughts are scattered and I do my best to keep them in check, but when you're medicated and in pain, that's difficult to do. Lord help me, please!

My Fred bought me Ensure yesterday so I can supplement my meals with that. I know I have to eat in order to be well, but my appetite is pitifully low.

I began taking Lyrica yesterday afternoon, will take it twice daily now to see if it helps this nerve pain. Has anyone out there taken it? Do you know of anyone who did? Did it help?

Never, ever, have I been in a place like this. I would rather go Home than have to live like this. Not that I would hurt myself, but I find that Heaven looks better and better compared with what we deal with here. Perhaps that's been part of my problem ... too comfortable here ... not looking for His return ... not desiring Him more than life itself. God forgive me.

Thank you for praying for me .... I love you all.

Friday ....

Pain! So much pain! Lord I cry out to You ... please Father, relieve this pain. Forgive me my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness. Help me Lord to lean only on You. Clear my thinking. Allow the stomach pain to ease also. Give me an appetite and help me keep food down.

All I know to do is cry out to You Lord.

Thank You for those who are praying for me.

Thursday

Another day, praise the Lord for another day. His will be done.

I met with two neurologists yesterday. They seem to be very thorough and are attempting to find the root cause of the neuropathy. They asked if I did yard work and had I been exposed to pesticides. They ordered blood work that will check for toxins along with levels of mercury, copper, lead and arsenic. They are also looking for Lupus and Sclera-derma. These are things I never thought of but they can all cause nerve damage.

The appt. for the spinal nerve block has been set up for July 8 and hopefully that will give relief. A new medication was ordered (Lyrica) but my insurance must grant prior approval before saying yes to covering it. My doctor's nurse is working on that now. She has called me twice this morning for information.

Jacqueline, thank you for checking on me and please, pray for the home-bound and call them when you can. It means more than you can know unless you've been one who can't get out much. Trish, Pat, Amrita and all you other ladies, thank you! When the pain gets the worst I know someone is praying and that it will pass. It comes in waves and thankfully, if I lay on my back with my legs propped up, I can rest and the pain eases.

I find myself taking the time to quietly pray for those whom I know are hurting ... Hal, Bonnie, Gladys, Edie and others. I also find myself having been slowed to a near stop and resigning myself to the fact my times are truly in God's hands and He indeed orders my steps and directs my path, but I have been one to bolt ahead and rush to do what I thought was most important. Slowing down has shown me how off my sense of direction was. He is mericful and I am thankful.

I must go but before I do, I ask you to please pray for a little girl named Madeline. She is 7 yrs old and has brain cancer and is being taken to St. Jude's Hospital for treatment. My sister Linda told me about her this morning.

Thank you all again. You are deeply appreciated and I love you all.

Blessings.

"This is only for a season"

Tuesday morning...

Thanks be to the good Lord I was able to sleep last night. It amazes me how much we need sleep and rest. I better understand how and why God rested (even though He surely didn't need to) on the seventh day. And why he gave us that day, if we will take it, to do the same.

I also better understand why he created darkness, and designed our bodies to need to sleep during that time. We cannot do much of anything in a proper manner, without sleep and rest. Why do we think we can?

Later this morning, Lord willing, my husband will take me to Target. A small outing to test the waters I suppose, but one I feel I would like to make. That store is easier to navigate than the larger stores so that's where I'll be testing my strength this morning. Pain? Still here, but I will do as Thara and my other friend have wisely advised and take pain medication before the pain overtakes me. Because I was able to sleep, my mental faculities seem more stable today and that is a big blessing.

I talked with my hematologist earlier this morning ... I will not need the phlebotomy this week after all. Thank the Lord. I will have blood taken next Monday and we'll go from there. Before he ended the call he said "Remember to keep the prayers going and hold your head up, this won't last forever". Bless him.

My love to you all. Thank you for reading and especially thank you for praying for this weary pilgrim.

Monday

After not sleeping well last nite, and getting up earlier than I usually do, we made it to the dr's appts. downtown today.

My hematologist, a Godly Christian man, entered the exam room and saw how weary I looked, then leaned close to me and said "this is only for a season, it won't last forever, remember that, okay?" I cried and was so thankful for his sensitivity and caring and before long, there was a smile where tears had been. Did he promise me health on a silver platter? No. He just reinforced the fact that this won't last forever and that as Christians, we have so much waiting for us that one day, all this will simply fade into distant memory.

He decided to post-pone the phlebotomy when he saw how stressed and tired I was. He also ordered additional blood work and I will get the results tomorrow morning. If needed, I will have the phlebotomy done at a local cancer center rather than have to go back downtown to have it done.

He also determined that I need to stay off the platelet medication until we find out what's going on with my liver. It's enlarged and at times, causes pain. I will see a specialist in that field on July 6. He is hoping the platelet medication hasn't caused liver damage, which is a possibility with that drug.

I saw the neurosurgeon next and she confirmed that I do not need surgery. Good news. She showed me the MRI pictures and explained what can happen as we get older ... the disks in the lower back squeeze together and nerve endings end up in places they shouldn't be. She believes that is partly the cause of the foot pain and neuropathy. She prescribed a Medrol dose pak , believing that medication will enable the inflammation to go down and hopefully help the pain subside. I will be seeing a neurologist on a regular basis, she feels I need that, and my first appt. with that Dr. is this Wed. morning downtown. She also arranged for someone from their pain clinic to call & set up an appt. She said there are numerous ways to deal with pain, and hopefully they will have an answer as to what will work best for me. She mentioned the injection they put into your spine as one of the treatments. My mother-in-law has had this done and it helped her tremendously.

Something my hematologist said has stayed with me today..."we are not made for this world and much of our disappointment comes when things just don't seem to go as we think they should ... we need to understand that as Christians, our Home is yet to come and it is only there that we will find real answers to real problems. Suffering being among the big ones we face."

Again I thank you for praying for me. I pray for Hal each night and for others who I know are dealing with chronic health issues and the depression that comes along with them. I told my dr today that I have been in such a dark place and I feel as though I have been twisted into a shape I didn't recognize as me ... and he said "pain will do that, I understand".

That's what I need to offer to others ... the fact I know what pain can do ... turn you inside out and make you wonder about your own sanity ... make you question most everything you ever thought to be true ... and just when you think you can't handle another minute of it, relief comes ... however slight it may be, it comes and you can take a deep breath and relax just a bit before it hits again. Thank the Lord my dr was right when he said "this is only for a season ... it won't last forever ..."

My love to you all, always.

Thank You...

Thank You Father for this new day.
Thank You that Your mercies are new every morning.
Thank You for friends who pray for me.
Thank You for grace ... undescribable, marvelous grace.
Thank You for this shell that houses the spirit You made alive in Christ.
Thank You that You are at work in me and that pain is part of the process, even though I don't like it.
Thank You for Jesus' blood that covers my sins.
Thank You that nothing can take me from Your hand.
Thank You for the fan that softly whirls in the background right now.
Thank You for this computer and internet that I use to communicate with friends.
Thank You for sunshine.
Thank You for Your precious Holy Spirit. My teacher, comforter and guide.
Thank You for medication to help my health issues.
Thank You for doctors who care.
Thank You for insurance.
Thank You for my Fred who loves me in spite of me.
Thank You for my grandgirls, even the one who doesn't talk to us.
Thank You for our 'daughters' ... Jane & Wendy.
Thank You for Shawn & David.
Thank You for our church.
Thank You for those few close friends who never leave regardless of how testy we can be.
Thank You ... O my God ... Thank you that one day I will slip from this 'house' and go Home!
Thank You my Lord for You, the greatest gift I have ever been given.
Thank You that You see us through the hard places and in Your time, give us hope.
Thank You that we can rest on what Your Word says is truth, not what our emotions tell us.
Thank You that You are our Rock.
Thank You that You are our Defender.
Thank You that You ever live to make intercession for us.
Thank You that You are our Advocate.
Thank You that You give us what we need and not what we deserve.
Thank You!!
Thank You!!
Thank You!!

One more day...

Just one more day til I hopefully find out what's causing the pain. I received the MRI results in today's mail, and learned I have some protuding disks along my spine, but I don't understand what else was written. I will take that report with me to the neurosurgeon and have her interpret it for me. Any other time and I would have been googling those words on the internet, but today I just didn't care to find out. Too much effort.

I tried to do without pain medication longer than usual this morning, but that didn't last long. This burning, searing pain becomes unbearable and I remember what my friend said about stressing your body even more when we don't medicate on schedule. So I took the pill, laid back down and rested.

One good thing to report ... I actually chose what I wanted for dinner ... my Fred picked it up from the restaurant and I ate it! No pushing food around, no grimacing because I had to eat. Thank the Lord for that victory! One step forward is a major blessing at this stage.

A dear friend called tonight ... she and I went to church together for awhile ... have been friends for 39 years ... she is going thru a difficult time also. Physical challenges and grown children who are taxing her soul ... a husband who isn't a Christian and not supportive ... puts my problems into a new perspective. We can always learn of someone who's going thru just a bit more than we are and today, we don't have to look far to find them. Or so it seems.

Our granddaughter Erica came to the house this afternoon so her Papa could put air in a pool toy. She ran in and gave me a hug and a kiss and asked how I was doing. She saw my arm and the large bruise from the blown vein and asked me what had happened. I told her and she said "Oh, does it hurt?" And I said yes it does, a bit. When you're 8, almost 9, bruising and painful feet must seem as foreign to you as Mars. But I'm very thankful she and her sister Stephanie care enough about me to call or come & visit.

Will go and get ready for bed. Prayerfully rest will come and I can sleep. Not going to church tomorrow. Will stay in and continue resting as much as I can. Monday will be a busy day but I'm looking forward to getting answers.


May your evening be rest-filled and may your Sunday be blessed. Thank you all again for praying for me.

Counting ...

I'm counting the days until I see the specialists on Monday. And praying / hoping they will have God-given answers to the pain & other health issues I'm dealing with.

Sleep was scarce last night ... too much pain for true sleep to come, even with medication. All I know to do in these times is cry out to the Lord and then pray for those I know are dealing with health issues of their own.

I find myself wondering "what if there is no medical answer?" and then shake that thought from my mind. There IS an answer, there is always an answer if you are a child of God! Ultimately, He holds all the answers anyway. He simply uses human beings as conduits from time to time. I also find myself saying that I simply want to be able to walk without pain again ... not do sprints or run marathons, just walk without pain. Such a simple thing for most people, but for those with chronic pain the simple often becomes the seemingly impossible.

The comments from friends, new and old, are a blessing. Thank you so much for reading and for praying and for taking the time to write your thoughts. They are a sort of life-line right now. You reach out to me and then talk to our Father on my behalf. Thank you. Some of you I may never meet this side of heaven, but I deeply appreciate you and look forward to the day we will meet in our new Home, and worship our Lord together, for all eternity.

Oh friends, I'm learning that I have been selfish in ways I didn't see until this happened. At times I felt as though I had too much to do to take the time to talk gently with someone on the phone. Phone calls can be divine interruptions if we'll only take the time to see that. My sense of 'self-importance' slowly seeped into the sewer as my seams unraveled these past few days. God has allowed me to see that my 'self' is nothing to brag about and there's nothing more important than time with Him and His people. May I remember these lessons in the days ahead. May I live what I'm learning and truly be a do-er of God's Word and not just a hearer. May I put into practice what He wants me to do ... live and love and be content with what He has supplied; ever looking to heaven for His soon return. Is this the day? Tomorrow? Soon.

I must go for now & get me to bed. Hopefully this night will bring sleep. I am tired.

Thank you again. May the Lord bless you and meet each need you may have.

Pain...

Pain. Seemingly never-ending pain. Burning, searing pain.

While I've dealt with health issues for most of my 63 yrs on this earth, I have never dealt with pain like this. When I came out of the coma in 1979 I was told I had nerve damage in parts of my body. Okay I thought, I can live with that. Over the years I began to learn what nerve damage can mean. Pain.

Last year I began having too-frequent bouts of pain in my feet and lower legs. It would come and then leave and again I thought, I can live with that.

Earlier this year the pain came back and has persisted for 3 months. I was diagnosed with neuropathy in early April and given a new medication that was supposed to help. It did for about 3 days. The pain worsened, and swelling in my right foot and lower leg came with it.

I left with my Mom on May 18 to make the trip that would end with us planning and then attending her brother's funeral. We were gone for 8 days and I dealt with pain each hour of each day we were gone. I had not told my Mom beforehand what I was experiencing because, as the Mom of 7 children and ump-teen grandkids and great-grandkids, I didn't want to add one more thing to her plate. So I handled it the best I could until we got home. Then I began to come apart at the seams of this fragile thing we call Life.

We got home late Wed., May 26. I was in a doctor's office the morning of Friday, May 28 to have exrays done of my foot as I thought I had possibly broken a bone. I hadn't.

On Tuesday, June 1, I began dealing with vertigo & throwing up. My husband took me to ER where I was given medications and sent home. The seams unraveled even more.

On Wednesday, June 2, I had no appetite and was experiencing severe itching and had bruising similar to what I had in Dec. when I was hospitalized. I did some reading about the neuropathy medication and my platelet medication and began to realize I was undoubtedly having a bad reaction to either one or both of these medications. I stopped taking them the night of June 2 because nothing would stay down.

As of this writing, I still don't have an appetite. I eat because I have to, not because I want to. Nothing sounds good to me. Did you know that losing your apppetite is really difficult to handle? We have to eat to live, but when you have no desire for food, you must make yourself eat and that's difficult. At least it has been for me. And since my husband does the majority of the cooking, it's difficult for him too. What do I want to eat? What do I think I'd like to have for dinner? he asks. Whatever you want to fix is my answer.

After extensive emails to a friend who has worked for dr's, (friends are easier to reach than nurses and doctors) I realized I must take pain medication on a regular basis because not doing so when you're in extreme pain only adds stress to an already painful condition and can make said medication less effective. Okay. So yesterday, rather than biting the bullet and getting thru the day without anything, I took lower doses of the prescribed pain medication. I will continue to do so until this issue is resolved.

What am I learning from this? That I am a fragile human being who is totally dependent on the God who created the universe for my next breath. That I cannot fix some things in myself nor in others. That I need to humbly approach His throne and beg for mercy. That it is His grace alone that sustains me, in the dark places of my soul, it is He who sustains and keeps me. That I am not super-anything. That I will one day lie down and take my last breath and things will be left undone when I do.

You see, I am a person who wants things to be in order and organized. I want to plan my day and give space for "whatever God wills" on that calendar, but I have never wanted His will to involve this kind of pain. Do I trust Him enough to know He's with me in it? Do I trust Him to keep me when words fail me? Am I really His child? These are all questions that have been going through my mind these last two weeks.

Thankfully I can say, yes I am His. I can trust Him, even though He may slay me, I trust Him.

I have three appointments on Monday, June 14:
#1. My hemotologist at 9 am
#2. The neurosurgeon at 11:30 am
#3. A phlebotomy must be done at 2pm

Thankfully they're all at the main hospital downtown. Thankfully my husband can drive me and stay with me. Thankfully we have insurance to pay for all this.

Hopefully, prayerfully, my doctors will have answers and solutions can be worked out so that the pain will go away and prayerfully, stay away. I feel so old. So weary. So ready to lie down and let it all go. Maybe that's where I've needed to be and needed to do and just didn't know it until this happened. I need to lie down and rest and let all the other stuff go. If not forever, then at least for awhile.

I sincerely hope and pray you are all well ... mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually well. For I am learning that when one area is off-balance it affects all the others and if we persist in plodding along without treating the one issue, our seams will fully unravel and we'll have to deal with much more than we expected.

May our Lord bless and keep you. May your needs be met in Him. Thank you for listening and reading.