I'm feeling shame and guilt this morning. I took part in an un-needed conversation yesterday. I should have kept my mouth closed or attempted to steer the conversation to another topic, but I didn't. I remained silent for awhile as others talked, but soon found myself joining in and adding to what was being said. Why do I do that? Why do I waste words and time like this? Why do I join in a conversation that is better left unsaid?
I've confessed to our Father this morning but that doesn't help the way I'm feeling right now. And that's good. I don't need to run to Him and tell Him what He already knows then glibly walk away. I need to confess and then take to heart the wrong I've done and ask His help in not doing it again. I need to think about the words I spoke and repent of wasting good air to say them.
What struck me hardest was the fact this is a part of why Christ went to the cross. My sins helped put Him there, and yesterday's conversation was a part of that. Shame and remorse are necessary when you've sinned against God, His Son and His Holy Spirit. When you've taken the freedom He purchased and treated it loosely and unwisely. I know there's forgiveness when we sin and then come to Him in repentance and confession, but it doesn't make it easier to accept the fact I said things I should not have said and I can never, ever take those words back. I imagine I will one day give an account of them. What do I tell Him then? "Ummm, well you see God, I didn't want to feel like the odd one out that day so I just kind of joined in with what they were saying?" That won't fly later any more than it does now.
Another hard thing for me is to accept the fact He does forgive me when I am truly repentant for what I've done. Yes, I'll think on what I've done and with His help learn from this experience as I've learned from others, but ... it's hard for me at times to accept that I walk in freedom. That the penalty has already been paid and I can't add to it. I suppose that's part of the remorse I'll deal with ... yes, I sinned against a Holy God. Yes, He said He will forgive me and cleanse me from all unrighteousness. Yes, He puts my sin into a sea of forgetfulness, never to remember it any more. But I do remember. I am sorry and saddened. Perhaps this is as it should be for we human beings who think too highly of ourselves from time to time. We need to face what we've done and if need be, carry the load for just awhile before it gradually fades into the past as God grants peace once again.